Wait until the company collapses.
"Its 1.2 million UK customers should see their direct debit payments cancelled," reports The Times.
Should? Even when the firm goes tits-up, there's no guarantee of escaping the Setanta handcuffs.
Poor Michael Owen. Only two or three years ago he was England's best striker and a racing certainty to surpass Bobby Charlton's 49 goal tally. Now he's not even a racing certainty to be picked ahead of Sir Bobby for the England squad.
Which is probably why his management company has circulated a 34-page brochure of the pint-sized injury crisis to eight Premiership clubs, hoping to convince them that he's worth a spot on their massage table.
The brochure - which unlike Paula Radcliffe, has disappointingly yet to leak online - apparently claims the striker is "good looking", "charismatic" and "fit and healthy", all of which are patently untrue, unless the looks of a 12-year-old pre-pubescent boy floats your boat (and if they do, I don't want to know).
Apparently, my beloved West Ham are among the clubs who found the brochure on the doormat. I hope they give it a good read as (a) I have a sneaking suspicion that Owen might still have a decent couple of seasons left in him; and (b) Dean Ashton needs some company in the sick room.
(Picture lifted from the excellent and (hopefully) entirely unlitigious When Saturday Comes)
Laugh? I nearly rinsed my boxer shorts.
Football's own Mr Righteous, Sir Colin of Wanker, has seen his club fined and docked a point for fielding an ineligible player. And guess who he fielded him against? Sheffield chuffing United.
Someone fetch Alanis Morissette. Irony? They're delivering it by the chuffing lorry load down at Selhurst.
I'm not sure what's funnier: the fact that Warnock's been caught red-handed after moaning like the bitchiest of bitches about Carlos Tevez; or the fact that Palace were docked a point for fielding a dodgy player for 35 mins whereas West Ham escaped a point penalty for playing Tevez for about half the season.
"Of course I regret it," says Mike Ashley, on his decision to bu(r)y Newcastle. "I never said I was an expert in football clubs. I was just a fan – although a very wealthy fan. But I’m not so wealthy now."
How much has poor Mike got left? "The credit crunch and a string of ill-fated gambles have slashed his wealth from £1.4 billion to £700m," The Sunday Times reports.
How will the poor bastard survive? And what is it with people named Ashley and their entirely warped sense of perspective when it comes to money?
One of the well-trodden cliches dripping off the tongues of football pundits yesterday was that Newcastle's fans didn't deserve to be relegated. As the camp bloke from The Apprentice says: codshit. They - along with the club's owners, manager and players - got nothing less than they deserved. Here's how the fans contributed to their own downfall:
1. Driving Allardyce out His brand of football may be as attractive as the boiler off of Britain's Got Talent but there's not a cat-in-hell's chance that Big Sam would have taken Newcastle down to the Championship. Remember that when he was sacked - after only eight months - the club was in 11th position and in no danger whatsoever of going down. The vitriol pouring from the stands undoubtedly prompted the fickle Ashley to bundle Allardyce out of the fire exit, setting in motion a chain of events that ended with relegation.
2. The return of King Kev
The Newcastle fans' hopeless devotion to the tactically inept and ever temperamental Keegan drove Ashley to hire one of only two men (the other would come later, of course) who would satisfy the crowd post-Allardyce. The result? An unmitigated disaster. Six wins from 21 games (over the course of two part seasons) was borderline relegation form in itself. His decision to walk out over lack of control over transfers was merely a smokescreen - Keegan knew that Dennis Wise was in charge of recruitment when he signed up. If he wasn't happy with it, why (like Shearer) didn't he insist Wise did one before he took charge?
3. Ashley out
Mike Ashley is a tit. A double D cup tit, at that. But the Newcastle fans' failed attempt to force him out backfired spectacularly. No decent manager was going to wade into the middle of a civil war, resulting in Joe Effin Kinnear being dragged back from the dead (and very nearly sent back there). Transfer money was withheld, meaning Peter Lovenkrands (3 goals from 11 appearances) was the best they could do to help patch up a strikeforce that spends more time on the physio's table than a tub of Deep Heat. They had no spare left back. And they failed to replace the excellent Shay Given, leaving them to make do with Steve Harper, a goalkeeper who is so bad that he only managed 32 starts in 13 years until shortly before Given left.
4. The clamour for Shearer How best to dig yourselves out of a relegation dogfight with only eight games remaining? Yes, call for the man with absolutely f*** all experience of management. Shearer the Messiah duly answered the fans' call and, eight games later, it is patently clear that he most certainly didn't have the answers. One win in eight was the worst win ratio of any Newcastle's four 2008-2009 managers (including doormat Chris Hughton). Bereft of any fresh tactical input, Shearer simply relied on Keegan-like motivational skills. "There are very, very good players that are just lacking in
confidence and it's up to myself and the rest of the staff to get the
best out of them," he said following his appointment. "We are going to need every ounce of effort from the players and the supporters." I've seen more effort in testimonials than Newcastle put into saving themselves in the second-half against Villa, when they failed to even muster a shot on target.
Newcastle fans will blame Ashley, Wise, Kinnear and even Allardyce for their downfall. Perhaps they should take a long hard look at themselves.
Has ever a manager had such an unjustifiably high opinion of himself as Mark Hughes?
Earlier this week, he was moaning that he's the most under-rated manager in the top-half of the Premiership. Which considering Blank Chequebook City lie in 10th is a tad ironic in itself.
"Harry [Redknapps]’s done a good job, similar to the one I’ve done myself — he gets a bit more credit than I do, mind, but there you go," Hughes moaned.
"If you look at the other managers around me, a lot of plaudits are given to them and I don’t get many. Roy Hodgson at Fulham has been mentioned as a possible for manager of the year — and he has indeed done a good job."
OK, let's compare the records of Hughes, Redknapp and Hodgson, and see if the Welsh one is being hard done by.
NO OF PREMIERSHIP PLACES CLUB HAS RISEN SINCE MANAGER TOOK OVER:
Redknapp: 12 (20th to 8th)
Hodgson: 11 (18th to 7th)
Hughes: -1 (9th to 10th)
POINTS PER GAME:
Redknapp: 1.71 (41 games, 21 wins, 10 draws, 11 defeats)
Hughes: 1.45 (55 games, 24 wins, 8 draws, 23 defeats)
Hodgson: 1.39 (64 games, 24 wins, 17 draws, 23 defeats)
(Note: includes cup games, stats provided by Soccerbase.com)
NET TRANSFER MONEY SPENT:
Hughes: £82.7 million
Redknapp £39 million
Hodgson: £19.35 million
VALUE FOR MONEY RATIO:
(Money spent divided by points per game - lower is obviously better)
Hodgson: 13.9
Redknapp 22.8
Hughes 57.0
So, by my calculations, Hodgson has been four times better value than Hughes, while even big spending Redknapp has delivered over twice as much value.
Not to mention the fact that both Hodgson and Redknapp have both overseen a meteroic rise up the table, while Hughes has dropped City down a place, depsite breaking the British transfer record and spending more money than both his "peers" combined.
Still feeling under-rated Mark?
Harry Redknapp has been giving it plenty in the wake of Ledley King's tanked-up bout of "Where's Your Ferrari?" with a nightclub bouncer.
The saggy-faced one says he's implementing a ban on booze at The White Hart White Hart Lane. "I'll implement a strong rule next season that drinking is a no-no here," Redknapp tells the Currant Bun. "Footballers should dedicate their lives to playing."
Surely this isn't the same Harry Redknapp, who before March's Carling Cup Final told the press: "I’ve got no time really for drinking in football. I don’t see any reason why footballers should have a drink. We prepared right for Sunday’s final. No-one was even allowed to look at a glass of wine. Players should be totally dedicated. Would I have let them go out and have a blow-out if we’d won? No.”
Indeed, in that same pre-Cup interview, Redknapp claimed: "At West Ham I made it no-alcohol-allowed in the players’ bar when I took over as manager."
Which obviously worked a treat when both Trevor Sinclair and Neil Ruddock were charged after the 1998 Christmas Party. "They were out on their Christmas party. I just told them to enjoy themselves and to make sure they behave," Redknapp explained afterwards. What did he think 25 young men were going to do on a night out in Romford? Go to the cinema.
Does funny things to you, alcohol.
Fabio Capello may have turned England into a half-decent side again, but if there's one part of the team that remains a liability, it's the chap in between the sticks.
David James is currently England's best goalkeeper, without question. But he simply isn't good enough. The lapse in concentration that allowed Nicklas Bendtner's tame header to creep over the line on Saturday is utterly typical of a man who is simply incapable of concentrating fully for 90 minutes.
The mistakes have grown less frequent, and less serious, with age. Nevertheless, they remain - and at the World Cup, a solitary mistake will be enough to eject England from the tournament.
But where's the alternative? Rob Green's a fantastic shot-stopper, but is almost incapable of collecting crosses; Scott Carson's looked little better than ordinary in a relegated West Brom side; Chris Kirland's prolonged run in the Wigan side has made us realise that he's not the superstar-in-waiting he was billed as; and Paul Robinson will never again enjoy the confidence that made him the first-choice number one a couple of years ago.
That leaves Ben Foster: a goalkeeper who can't even break into his club side, albeit the best club side in the world. England can't have a first choice keeper that's not a first choice.
Which leaves us with James. The best of a pretty average bunch. And the man who's going to cost us the World Cup, mark my words.
"John Terry does not normally rise to the bait," begins The Sun's sanctimonious West Ham/Chelsea match report. "Saturday, however, was not normal. Even by the vile and hateful standards set by West Ham ‘fans’, the abuse meted out to Terry and Frank Lampard was a disgrace."
"Insulting his [Lampard's] family or Terry’s is unacceptable," it adds later. "If they said the kind of thing about Lampard’s children or Terry’s mum to their faces, they would get a smack in the mouth."
Presumably The Sun's reporters were queueing up outside Chez Terry for a smack round the chops when they splashed this Earth-shattering exclusive on the front page a couple of weeks ago, then?
