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Best football chant ever
Genuine wit from Man Utd fans is rarer than Scrabble nights at chez Rooney. However, this little gem (stolen remorselessly from this KUMB thread titled 'chant of the season') is possibly the funniest terrace chant I've ever heard:
By Man Utd fans to their blue neighbours (to the tune of Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson):
City are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok City?
City are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok City?
You've been brought by
You've been brought by
A War Criminal.
Update: Having slagged off the Mancs' sense of humour, I'm reminded by KUMB guvnor UTJ, that they were also responsible for this little ditty for Korean import Ji Sung Park:
Park, Park, wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a Scouse
Eating rats in your council house ...
Grant's route to the top
Avram Grant has revealed in intricate detail how Chelsea hunted down Man Utd in the title race:
"We did a good job. We came from fifth, to fourth, to third, to second and then level on points with United going into the last game."
And then drawing at home to Bolton, he obviously forgot to add. Details, details.
Why you should never rewatch a classic
There are few better ways to pass an hour or so on a bank holiday weekend than watching a game on ESPN Classic - the channel trapped somewhere between sailing from Helsinki and international tiddlywinks on the Sky EPG.
This weekend it was England vs Scotland at Euro 96 - a game I didn't see live on the day because of work commitments (or more accurately, a Saturday job in Debenhams). So the only fragments of the game still lodged in my highlights-only memory are Seaman's penalty save and, of course, Gazza's magnificent goal.
Therefore, if I had to produce one of those newspaper ratings out ten for every player on the pitch it would, until yesterday, have been Seaman 9, Gascoigne 9 and all the rest getting the regulation 7 for being on the winning side, but not doing anything that's still lodged in my memory some 12 years later.
Having watched the hour-long extended highlights from yesterday, however, I'd have to mark Gazza down to a generous five. He was truly terrible. Sloppy passes, dangling on the ball for far too long, at least three reckless tackles on the edge of the penalty area: the only decent thing he did in the entire game was score that incredible goal.
Until yesterday, Gazza was to my mind one of the stars of Euro 96.. Now, I suspect that one superb goal had played tricks on my memory. ESPN Classic I love you. And hate you a bit, too.
Sky's misleading maths
"Terrific - it can't be decided until the final day of the season," crows Richard Keys after Chelsea beat Man Utd 2-1.
Table as it stands:
Manchester Utd P 36 GD +53 Pts 81
Chelsea P 36 GD +37 Pts 81
So if Man Utd beat West Ham next week and Chelsea lose at Newcastle, The Blues simply have to win by at least 18 goals (assuming they both win/lose by only a single goal next week, or it'll be more) on the final day of the season, and hope United lose. At Wigan.
Pull the other one, monkey man. Even Sky can't sell that as a title decider.
Sky's Scouser sledging
You could write everything that Sky News presenter and all-round bint, Jacquie Beltrao, knows about football on the back of a season ticket. She can't even spell her own name, for Christ's sake.
But she surpassed her usual level of inane gobspittle this morning, with the following little pearl of wisdom about Liverpool's own-goal poacher, John Arne Riise:
(Note this conversation isn't an exact transcript, as I was too busy choking on my Weetabix at the sheer awfulness of what she said to fetch a biro)
"It's such a shame for Riise. Liverpool fans love him because he's a 'proper foreigner' who's been here for years, not one of those Johnny-come-lately foreigners."
How someone who's played in England for years qualifies for the title "proper foreigner", only Jacquie and Enoch Powell will ever know. Even Eamon Holmes looked fucking flabbergasted.
The best Wright off since Richard Hammond
In perhaps the most amusing international retirement since Andy Cole told Sven where to stick it after being omitted for 17 consecutive squads, Ian Wright's decided he no longer wants to do England games on the BBC.
"I feel like I'm just there as a comedy jester to break the ice with Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen who just do run-of-the-mill things."
Comedy jester? I've seen funnier tumours. The only thing louder than your ridiculous suits was, annoyingly, you; although your double-breasted Versace whistle could probably analyse the game more intelligently.
Fuck off you loudmouthed tosser. You'll be missed as much as McClaren's umbrella.
Miss Millwall winner announced
Footblog gets its first ever press release, and we get to it later than a Derby County title push. Thank you and apologies to WakeUpMillwall.com (and that's not easy for a West Ham fan to say), who sent us details of the 2008 Hottest Female Millwall Fan competition.
Regular readers may remember the competition wasn't exactly stiff. But congratulations to the suspiciously named winner, Naomi Fitt, who tells the site:
"It means so much to win the WakeUpMillwall.com 2008 Hottest Female Millwall Fan competition because my son, my partner and all of his side of the family are huge Millwall fans as well and it will make them very proud of me."
Although frankly love, Iain bloody Dowie would have been upset to be beaten by some of the entrants.
What's my motivation?
What's motivating the West Ham squad to hang on to 10th place in the Premiership this season? Pride in securing a top-half finish? The prospect of finishing above Spurs? Of course not.
"Everything this year, especially bonuses, is geared to finishing in the top 10 - and there is nothing for not being in the top 10," says Alan Curbishley.
"So for people to believe we have switched off is wrong. We need to be in that top 10 to take anything from the season.
"That's me as well, it's everybody, we are all in it."
It's hard to know how I'll be able to show my face at work if Lucas Neil can't afford to buy his third Land Rover this summer, it really is...
Do you have to kick Bolton to beat them?
It's raining irony in the Premiership right now. Cocking-well pelting it down, in fact.
Arsenal's Abou Diaby was sent off at the weekend for a high lunge every bit as ugly as Martin Taylor's pin-snapper on the Gunners' Eduardo. The challenge, lest we forget, Arsene Wenger initially declared worthy of a lifetime ban, before downgrading it to a mere disgrace that needed to be stamped out of the game.
Wenger's reaction to the Diaby shin-splitter:
"I knew the injury was not bad and not comparable with Eduardo."
Nothing other than sheer good fortune prevented Bolton's Gretar Steinsson from following Eduardo on to the surgeon's table, and Wenger knows it. But will he impose a lifetime ban on his own player, or even publicly upbraid him in the way he's slated Taylor several times? More chance of him splashing out £50m on Titus Bramble.
And which side was the victim of the Arsenal player's assault? None other than Bolton, the side that Wenger has accused of kicking his team off the park several times. I trust an apology is on its way to the Reebok. Along with a a guidebook to the Coca-Cola Championship.
