Footblog

Big Sam going for a Barton?

As if Big Sam's job wasn't hanging by a thread as it is, the news that his one big summer signing is once again keeping his local constabulary's clear-up rate in rude health is possibly terminal.

Apparently Basher Barton was arrested at 5:30am yesterday morning after a "scuffle" at his local McDonalds. Footblog's not sure whether the right-hander or the McChicken Sandwich and chips would do him most harm, but I'm fairly sure it's not the ideal preparation 48 hours before Newcastle play their 3-point banker against, erm, Chelsea.

On the plus side, at least Barton might get to see more of his family over Christmas now he's been remanded.

Almunia for England?

It's official. England has now officially sealed its status as a two-bob football nation, no better than the Republic of Ireland and its Tony O'Cascarinos and Cockney Andy Townsends.

First we couldn't find someone with Her Majesty's passport competent enough to put 11 names on the teamsheet, now we've got players who can't get a game for their own country offering to pull on the Three Lions.

"They (Spain) have never, never called me," says Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia, proving it's not only weak crosses into the box he needs to take two stabs at. "If other people want me, I have to study my situation and take a decision because it is good for me."

You can tell his heart's in it, can't you?

"I always say I have to wait to see what is happening at that moment, or which goalkeeper England has, or which goalkeeper Spain has, look at the situation and take a decision," he claims.

If Capello or someone from the FA doesn't make that decision for him, and fast, I'm emigrating.

Baker & Kelly: sign them up, sign them up, sign them up

My dismal Sussex-London commute just got a whole lot worse, following the news that Danny Baker and Danny Kelly have halted their weekly football podcast. Baker manfully tells the full story here, but it seems he's quite literally paying the price for hitching his wagon to Wippit instead of distributing his shows through the vastly more lucrative iTunes.

I'm choked for the Dannys, because that 45 minute show was laugh-out-loud funny (as several disgruntled Sussex commuters will probably testify), and freed from the shackles of BBC (no traffic reports, news every half-hour nor compunction about using the odd "bit of blue") the show really hit its stride.

I'm hoping someone helps Baker & Kelly to earn a crust from the podcast, or at least gives the chaps airtime on the radio. If half the channels on my digital television/radio can find space for Tim "funny as a hernia" Lovejoy, the Dannys deserve a channel of their own.

Grand Sodding Slam Sunday

Here's a quick appeal to the IT guy at the FA Premier League: please write a script to prevent the "fixtures computer" (a device I'm still not convinced exists) pitting any combination of Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Man Utd against each other on the same weekend ever again.

If I hear the phrase "Grand Slam Sunday" uttered once more on Sky, I'm cancelling my subscription and rearranging Richard Keys with a cricket bat.

Bye Bye the Egg Man

Almost as quickly as he bounded into our lives with his extraordinary forehead, West Ham chairman Eggert Magnusson has called it quits/been ousted in a vicious boardroom coup (depending on which fan site you believe).

I shall miss Eggy for a number of reasons, not least of which is his absolutely boundless enthusiasm. I sat about three rows in front of the Egg at the away game with Fulham last season, and even an innocuous misplaced pass would provoke a shriek of pain you'd expect from a man who's just had his testicles embalmed in formaldehyde.

It was painfully obvious the bald little bugger cared about the football, not just the bank balance, and I'm not yet sure whether we can say that about the rather anonymous new man at the top, Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson.

However, Eggy did make some awful gaffes: telling the press and the official website we were about to sign Adriano and Eidur Gudjohnsen, and coming back with Henri Camara on loan from Wigan was not the smartest of moves. But it was a mistake borne out of enthusiasm, and Christ knows, it was nice to see someone in the boardroom with a bit of enthusiasm (albeit misplaced) after years of Terry Brown's fire sales.

So farewell, Eggy, and good luck. Let's just hope the man you've left behind makes half the impression you did.

The only football star worth an award

In a year when any of the current England squad are more likely to win Mastermind than BBC Sports Personality of the Year, it was magnificent to see a true legend, Sir Bobby Robson, pick up the the lifetime achievement award.

Ask yourself which of the current England staff would:

(a) Get a standing ovation that lasted the best part of three minutes

(b) Have the decency to attempt to stem the applause

(c) Be so visibly proud to receive an award that carries no monetary reward whatsoever

(d) Tempt Sir Alex Ferguson to break his five-year feud with the BBC to present the award

Watch the video here before the BBC pull it down.

Harry - what's all this effing swearing about?

Saint Harry of Portsmouth has taken grave offence to a verbal volley from the Villa fans, claiming it wasn't like that in his day, you could leave your backdoor open etc.

"You've got people stood behind you, who have got their kids with them, shouting filfth. I didn't bring my kids up to talk like that.

"Do we have to accept that? It didn't happen when I was a kid. There was none of this nonsense going on. Maybe I shouldn't get upset but I do."

Indeed you do, H. Upset at trivial little matters like a ball striking you during a training session, but you'd never resort to language you wouldn't utter in front of the Queen Mum, would you H?

Six-o-shit

Yet more informed debate on the ever-reliable BBC Sport website, discussing the prospect of Beckham acting as an ambassador for England's 2018 World Cup.

(Spotter's badge for Tim Danton)

Steve McClaren tribute song

I've got to this later than a Dennis Wise tackle, but this is the only version of this song I've managed to stand for longer than 7 seconds.

Family reunion "holds no fear" for Barton

Construct your own sentence from the words: Joey, Barton, the, sharpest, tool, in, the, box, not.

On Friday he labels the Newcastle fans "vicious" (one for all you fans of glass houses out there) for having the temerity to boo players who go three goals down to Portsmouth before their bleached denim-covered arses has even touched the seats.

Now, he's goading the lags at Durham nick, ahead of his forthcoming weekender for assault.

"If you go to prison for defending yourself then, yes, I suppose I'll think about it," he tells the  BBC. "But I don't care. It doesn't scare me at all. I've done nothing wrong."

In his defence, he's used to playing alongside a shagged Butt. And at least he'll get to see his brother.