Footblog

Sky's misleading maths

"Terrific - it can't be decided until the final day of the season," crows Richard Keys after Chelsea beat Man Utd 2-1.

Table as it stands:

Manchester Utd  P 36 GD +53 Pts 81

Chelsea              P 36 GD +37 Pts 81

So if Man Utd beat West Ham next week and Chelsea lose at Newcastle, The Blues simply have to win by at least 18 goals (assuming they both win/lose by only a single goal next week, or it'll be more) on the final day of the season, and hope United lose. At Wigan.

Pull the other one, monkey man. Even Sky can't sell that as a title decider.

Sky's Scouser sledging

You could write everything that Sky News presenter and all-round bint, Jacquie Beltrao, knows about football on the back of a season ticket. She can't even spell her own name, for Christ's sake.

But she surpassed her usual level of inane gobspittle this morning, with the following little pearl of wisdom about Liverpool's own-goal poacher, John Arne Riise:

(Note this conversation isn't an exact transcript, as I was too busy choking on my Weetabix at the sheer awfulness of what she said to fetch a biro)

"It's such a shame for Riise. Liverpool fans love him because he's a 'proper foreigner' who's been here for years, not one of those Johnny-come-lately foreigners."

How someone who's played in England for years qualifies for the title "proper foreigner", only Jacquie and Enoch Powell will ever know. Even Eamon Holmes looked fucking flabbergasted.

The best Wright off since Richard Hammond

In perhaps the most amusing international retirement since Andy Cole told Sven where to stick it after being omitted for 17 consecutive squads, Ian Wright's decided he no longer wants to do England games on the BBC.

"I feel like I'm just there as a comedy jester to break the ice with Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen who just do run-of-the-mill things."

Comedy jester? I've seen funnier tumours. The only thing louder than your ridiculous suits was, annoyingly, you; although your double-breasted Versace whistle could probably analyse the game more intelligently.

Fuck off you loudmouthed tosser. You'll be missed as much as McClaren's umbrella.

Miss Millwall winner announced

Footblog gets its first ever press release, and we get to it later than a Derby County title push. Thank you and apologies to WakeUpMillwall.com (and that's not easy for a West Ham fan to say), who sent us details of the 2008 Hottest Female Millwall Fan competition.

Regular readers may remember the competition wasn't exactly stiff. But congratulations to the suspiciously named winner, Naomi Fitt, who tells the site:

"It means so much to win the WakeUpMillwall.com 2008 Hottest Female Millwall Fan competition because my son, my partner and all of his side of the family are huge Millwall fans as well and it will make them very proud of me."

Although frankly love, Iain bloody Dowie would have been upset to be beaten by some of the entrants.

What's my motivation?

What's motivating the West Ham squad to hang on to 10th place in the Premiership this season? Pride in securing a top-half finish? The prospect of finishing above Spurs? Of course not.

"Everything this year, especially bonuses, is geared to finishing in the top 10 - and there is nothing for not being in the top 10," says Alan Curbishley.

"So for people to believe we have switched off is wrong. We need to be in that top 10 to take anything from the season.

"That's me as well, it's everybody, we are all in it."

It's hard to know how I'll be able to show my face at work if Lucas Neil can't afford to buy his third Land Rover this summer, it really is...