Footblog

Beckham off to Milan - but for the football or the soccer?

So David Beckham is swapping semi-retirement in LA for 10 mins off the bench every week in Milan. But AC boss Carlo Ancelotti is apparently cock-a-hoop:

"For me, it will be a pleasure," he said. "Beckham is a serious athlete, a great professional."

As you can tell from the The Official David Beckham Website, which shows how serious old Rusty Balls is about his sport by picturing him in... a half-undone shirt and waistcoat, whilst seemingly checking whether his hand smells after scratching his arse.

Note also the "football/soccer" header, for the yanks who might confuse the scrawny playboy with a quarterback. And the fact the "partners" section makes no mention of Rebecca Loos. Or the wife.

What's worse: the boos or the cheers?

The booing of Ashley Cole during Saturday's game with Kazakhstan has prompted predictable levels of hand-wringing from players, managers and even the FA bigwigs - who had probably only just got back to their seats after their half-time champagne and sandwiches when the booing started. In the 68th minute.

In truth, the booing was over-the-top and unnecessary. However, it wasn't as malicious as Capello, the FA and the press have made out. Yes, there was plenty of booing, but people were laughing with it, as if the whole thing was a bit of an ironic wind-up following calls for fans to back the team, rather than genuine disgust at the odious little runt.

It largely died out after about 10 minutes, and was all but forgotten by full time. The FA would probably have done better to ignore it, rather than label it "crazy" and give the press another excuse to rehash the story this morning.

More disturbing than the booing, was the incessant cheering every time David Beckham got the ball. The man has arguably failed to put in an England performance worthy of hero worship since the game against Greece in 2001, and yet his every touch was greeted with whoops of delight.

The reason for both the booing and the Beckham adulation is the same: the people who can afford to pay for Wembley tickets for largely meaningless qualfiers don't know the first thing about football. Geniune football fans have been priced out and replaced with day-trippers who couldn't tell Ashley Cole from Joe Cole.  Beckham's cheered because he's the only member of the team half of them recognise.

If the FA wants fans to get behind the team, it had better start letting the real fans in. Do something about the craxy ticket prices and the crazy "fans" will go too.

England 5 vs Kazakhstan 1

How many 5-1 victories have seen:

(a) the victors play so appallingly that shares in chiropractors shot up as a result of 90,000 people repeatedly shaking their heads in disbelief;

(b) the left-back systematically booed for 15 minutes for a pass more inappropriate than chatting up the deceased at a funeral;

(c) an official inquiry into the match attendance, because 11 fewer people turned up than was stated.

With the possible exception of the last ten minutes, England were a shambles. The defence looked brazenly suicidal. Wes Brown played with three left feet, none of which had the first clue what the others were doing. Upson and Ferdinand played with the calm assurance of a suicide bomber wondering what that funny petrol smell is? And Ashley Cole was humiliated by a right-winger who bore the uncanny gait of a Sunday League player, shortly before bagging himself a Kazakhstan assist with a backpass of quite staggering stupidity.

Things were little better further forward. Lampard and Gerrard worked very hard, but only on their impression of oil and water. Barry was a holding midfielder with nothing to hold, and was replaced at half-time by Shaun Wright-Phillips, who is so right footed he might as well hop. Walcott started brightly, but by the second half was so anonymous they had to put out a tannoy announcement asking for people to look out for the missing child.

Rooney laboured and grabbed two scruffy goals, Heskey just laboured, and perhaps only Jermaine Defoe can be pleased with his afternoon’s work: which lasted all of ten minutes in which he scored once.

And yet we still won 5-1… Go figure. Because I can’t.

DOT2DOT

Before I drown my emphatic victory sorrows, a massive word of thanks to Colin, Seb and the kindly people of National Express’s Dot2Dot, who provided my ticket and ferried me back and forth in one of their fine mini-coaches. The coaches are normally used to pick people up from their door and drop them at the airport, and vice versa.

This is better than going by taxi, because:

(a) It’s much cheaper;

(b) There’s comfortable leather chairs, tables, plugs and Wi-Fi on board, so you can rattle out poisonous blog posts about your football team winning 5-1. Or something more productive;

(c) I’ve yet to meet a taxi driver who’s given me a free lift and tickets to the football.

England vs Kazakhstan betting tip - don't

Watching an England game at the new Wembley for the first time today, courtesy of the very nice people at National Express Dot2Dot - a coach company that offers Wi-Fi connections on the bus, not a child's drawing of a coach.

I usually like to have a punt on a match I'm going to see live, but there's about as much value in this game as there is in a Baghdad timeshare.

England to win? 1-16 on PaddyPower.com. You'd get a better return if you left a tenner with Gazza at the bar.

Wayne Rooney and Emile Heskey to both play and score? 2-1. That's Emile Heskey with 5 goals in 48 England appearances and Wayne Rooney who's scored just twice in competitve matches in the past four years. If PaddyPower was offering 2-1 on them both scoring this year, I'd think twice.

The only one that vaguely tempts me is Gerrard is to score direct from a free-kick at 7-1. Go on, I'll have a couple of quid on it and let you know how I got on later.

Viduka you think you're kidding?

"Mark Viduka has had one scan on his injury, but he wanted a second opinion and so too did our medical people. That is why he has gone back to Australia," according to Newcastle's c***ometer, Joe Kinnear, explaining why old Fat Boy might spend another six months with his feet up.

Has the credit crunch knocked the Western World's X-ray industry for six? Or is it entirely possible that Viduka is flying 10,000 miles with a crocked ankle because even his £65,000 a week salary isn't enough to tempt him to spend a wet winter in Geordieland?

F***ing 'ell, it's Joe Kinnear

"He'll lighten the mood and take the pressure off" - John Scales on Joe Kinnear in The Guardian.

"Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely f***ing out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can f*** off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that f***ing crap. No f***ing way, lies. F***, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] f***ed off. - Joe Kinnear's first pre-match press conference as reported in The Guardian and gleefully broadcast by The Mirror.