Footblog

Effing hell, Ray wants a bit of respect for refs

"Be proud of your double zeros," the instructor on my refeering course told me when I was just 14, referring to the marks out of ten managers give you after each game, "because it means you've upset every f***er on the pitch."

Sadly, it's not the f***ers on the pitch you have to worry about as a referee - you can send them off. And the managers, too. It's the parents who call you every c***ing name under the sun for the entire match that make it genuinely more difficult to referee kids' games than adults.

In the seven or eight years I spent refereeing, I can only ever remember booking kids for dissent twice. But I remember getting grief from the sidelines on an almost weekly basis. I threatened to stop matches at least twice, unless some gobby twat of a dad moved away from the pitch. More often than not the manager would apologise for the conduct of the gobshite afterwards, and protest there was nothing they could do about him. (Sometimes the manager called me a c***, too).

The abuse isn't what led me to pack in the refereeing, but it certainly didn't help. So it's good to see the FA try and do something about it, and in not in the typical ham-fisted way it normally does.


  

Review: Argentina Away Shirt

In a deal that casts a rather ominous shadow over Nike’s two-bob, tracksuits-and-bibs deal with Brazil, Footblog has today teamed up with the good folk at SoccerPro.com to bring you an exclusive – and I do mean exclusive – review of the Argentina Away Jersey.

In the interests of full disclosure, SoccerPro offered me a free shirt of my choice, the only stipulation being that I “wear it as you normally would and write up your honest review”. In an outrageous display of treason, I chose the Argentina away top, for no other reason than I liked the cut of its jib. But does it look as good in the flesh as it does on the site? Here’s my “honest” review.

DELIVERY

SoccerPro is based in Columbia, Missouri. I don’t know exactly where that is in the US, but it’s safe to say that it’s more than a good bus ride from London. Nevertheless, just seven days after my order was placed, the UPS package arrived on my desk at work. I’ve ordered tickets from West Ham (approximately nine miles away) that have taken longer to arrive than that, so full marks for international expediency.

Alas, by the time it arrived, the UPS parcel looked a bit like one of Stan Collymore’s ex-girlfriends: slightly battered. But the shirt remained untarnished, so no harm done (if only Ulrika could say the same).

THE DESIGN

The shirt itself is a tasteful dark blue number, with the traditional Argentine light blue and white stripes running down the sides. On either flank, there’s a faint bubble pattern embedded in the weave, which makes the kit look a wee bit like a fish tank, but is so subtle that only those close enough to risk a charge of sexual harassment would notice.

The left breast bears the spangly, gold Argentine crest, with the two stars denoting each of the country’s World Cup victories. I shall of course be unpicking the threads of one of those stars, and sending them to Peter Shilton: we forgive, but never forget.

The back of the Argentine crest of is made of quite rough material, which could lead to chafing for people with higher than average nipples. Fortunately, mine have gone South in my thirties and I remain blissfully untroubled.

The only other features on an otherwise magnificently Spartan design are the obligatory manufacturer’s logos and the word “Argentina” printed beneath the collar on the back. This is presumably to remind flagging defenders which team they’re chasing after, and should be applauded for sheer arrogance, if nothing else.

The material has a high quality feel, and shimmers with the magnificence and pride of a nightclub bouncer’s gold tooth. It is, however, 100% polyester and thus prone to producing enough static electricity to stun a bison if whipped off too quickly. Which brings us neatly on to...

THE SCIENCE

The shirt may be pure polyester, but this is some of the best polyester money can buy. For this is ClimaCool material, which, according to the accompanying brochure, offers “ventilation and moisture management for your body, providing optimum comfort and performance”.

My body does a pretty good job of managing its own moisture (at least, most of the time) but I can nevertheless reveal that I’ve never felt climer or cooler than when wearing this shirt, making this technology an unqualified success in my book.

VERDICT

Overall, I’m absolutely cock-a-hoop with the shirt. It’s smart, understated and fits my spindly 6ft 3in frame like a glove (size XL, in case you were wondering). With my new short haircut, I’d go as far as to say it makes me look like Javier Mascherano – without the appalling dentistry and demeanour of a world-class West Ham reserve, obviously.

I heartily recommend you snap one up for a mere $49 dollars from SoccerPro.com. And why not buy some more Argentina Soccer Gear why you’re at it, eh? (Anyone got a fuse for that plug?)

Match of the Day's Community feature - cup of tea anyone?

Does the BBC have to warn the National Grid when it's due to broadcast Match of the Day's "Community Feature"? Because I imagine millions of viewers reach for the kettle when Gary Lineker announces that we're going to spend the next five minutes watching Michael Dawson help a sprog from the local comprehensive with his homework.

And why's it only shown in the Sunday morning repeat? If the BBC doesn't think we'd care enough about Jonathan Greening's Soccer School For Underprivileged Brummies on a Saturday night, why do they think we give a monkey's 10 hours later?

Warnock to replace Zola?

After a vaguely disappointing 0-0 draw with West Brom last night, West Ham can at least rest assured that, should they seek a top-drawer manager with enough nous to overcome a bunch of relegation certainties, they've got their man.

Fresh from the revelation that he's joining the ever-lengthening queue for compensation, Neil Warnock has thrown his hat into the ring to replace Zola.

From Sky Sports:

Warnock has been criticised for pursuing the matter but he insists he has been motivated by a desire to see justice done rather than a private vendetta against the Hammers.

Asked if he had a vendetta, Warnock said: "Not really, no. I would love to manage them."

Don't hold your breath, Colin. On second thoughts, do. For a very long time.    

Alan Pardew rapes Michael Essien on Match of the Day

Having got the old Tic-Tac from both West Ham and Charlton, Alan Pardew's chances of resuming a career as a Premiership manager look about as solid as Emile Heskey's grasp on the Golden Boot.

Never mind, at least he's still got his television career. Well, he did until last night, when making his debut on Match of the Day 2, he remarked that Michael Essien "absolutely raped" a Man City midfielder (not named for legal/memory reasons) when challenging for a ball.

Looks like MOTD will have to revert to Alan "safe pair of hands" Curbishley, too.

The inescapable logic of Andy Gray's "final ball"

If you were to list all the moronic twaddle that leaves the lips of Andy Gray, someone would have to clear some more space on the internet.

However, his obsession with the "final ball" - as in "the one thing that lets that young man down is his final ball" - is the chief of his crimes against commentary.

The last pass of any move is, by definition, the final ball. Therefore, unless it's one of the two or three in the average match that result in a goal, the "final ball" will be, like Mr Gray's analysis, a bit crap.

John Sitton: Motivational speaker par excellence

Titfers off to The Guardian for reminding us once more of the pure motivational brilliance of one-time Leyton Orient manager, John Sitton, and his legendary half-time pep talk:

"You, you f***ing big-nosed c***, when I tell you to do something, do it. And if you come back at me, we'll have a  f***ing right sort out. And you can pair up if you like. And you can f***ing pick someone else to help you and you can bring your f***ing dinner. Because by the time I've finished with you, you'll need it."

And then he sacked someone. At half time. Brilliant.

English managers: paying the penalty

In 2002, Esquire magazine gave away a copy of the Andrew Anthony book, On Penalties. It remains the best free gift I've ever received from a magazine.

With delightful wit, Anthony completely demolishes the old English myth/excuse that you can't practice penalties. That no matter how much you try, you could never recreate the tension, the stadium atmosphere, the  experience of taking a real-life penalty in training. So why bother?

"Except it's a not a lottery," the cover notes on Anthony's book, which sits before me now, read. "There is an art to scoring penalties, which calls upon a unique combination of physical prowess and pyschological strength."

An art which the Germans have mastered, not through chance, but through sheer bloody-minded repetition in every international training session (and doubtless at their clubs as well), which means that when they come to take a spot kick, the one thing they won't have to worry about is their technique. It's innate, as natural as tying a shoelace.

Yet, for years, a succession of England managers - Robson, Venables, even the supposedly forward thinking Hoddle - trotted out the old cliche that "you couldn't practice penalties".

"A golfer can practise a thousand putts on the putting green," Hoddle was quoted saying, after England flopped out of the 1998 World Cup. On non-practised penalties. "But he can then go out on the last day of a tournament when there's thirty thousand there and miss. If it was always down to practice and it always went in for you, then it would be a simple scenario. It isn't like that."

As Anthony rightly retorts: "Whoever suggested that it was? The alternative is to do nothing, accept that penalties are a lottery and see what happens. So far, that policy hasn't worked."

That book was written in 2000. Since then Sven-Goran Eriksson and Fabio Capello have both insisted on penalty practice before key England matches, albeit with limited success. But it seems the habit dies hard with English managers. Listen to Darren Bent talking about Spurs' failure to beat Man Utd on penalties in the Carling Cup Final at the weekend.

"We thought there is no point in practising penalties because you can hit the same spot 10 times out of 10 and, if the keeper can save it, you can't really do anything."

Remember that the next time Harry Redknapp wonders aloud why he's never considered for the England job.

Carling Cup crowdometer: And another little piece of football dies

"And remember, if our Carling Cup Crowdometer measures either side's fans cheering at more than 100 decibels, the sponsors will donate £100,000 to charity."

Give me strength.