Footblog

Terry pays the Photoshop penalty

Why Man Utd deserved to win the Champions League

Man Utd sent Sir Bobby Charlton to lead the team up; Chelsea sent Peter Kenyon.

Say no more.

Joey Barton: Where's your plasma gone?

Given that Liverpool players can't pop down the corner shop for a pint of milk before some Scally's nipped in, gagged the WAG and made off with the telly, it's something of a surprise that the BBC is so keen to report Joey Barton's home address now that he's just been consigned to six-month family reunion at Her Majesty's pleasure.

"The Newcastle midfielder, of Foxbank Close, Widnes, admitted the charges last month but reporting restrictions were only lifted on Tuesday," reports the BBC, clearly not bogged down with restrictions any longer.

I suspect Google will be getting a few requests for the Map below (click to enlarge) from the Merseyside area in the next few hours...

Roo you calling a headcase?

"Sometimes he seems as if his head's not quite there," says the entirely level headed, oasis of calm that is Wayne Rooney of Chelsea's Didier Drogba.

Tomorrow: Paul Scholes on why Steve Sidwell's a ginger bastard.

Best football chant ever

Genuine wit from Man Utd fans is rarer than Scrabble nights at chez Rooney. However, this little gem (stolen remorselessly from this KUMB thread titled 'chant of the season') is possibly the funniest terrace chant I've ever heard:

By Man Utd fans to their blue neighbours (to the tune of Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson):

City are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok City?
City are you ok?
Are you ok?
Are you ok City?
You've been brought by
You've been brought by
A War Criminal.

Update: Having slagged off the Mancs' sense of humour, I'm reminded by KUMB guvnor UTJ, that they were also responsible for this little ditty for Korean import Ji Sung Park:

Park, Park, wherever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a Scouse
Eating rats in your council house ...

            

Grant's route to the top

Avram Grant has revealed in intricate detail how Chelsea hunted down Man Utd in the title race:

"We did a good job. We came from fifth, to fourth, to third, to second and then level on points with United going into the last game."

And then drawing at home to Bolton, he obviously forgot to add. Details, details.

Why you should never rewatch a classic

There are few better ways to pass an hour or so on a bank holiday weekend than watching a game on ESPN Classic - the channel trapped somewhere between sailing from Helsinki and international tiddlywinks on the Sky EPG.

This weekend it was England vs Scotland at Euro 96 - a game I didn't see live on the day because of work commitments (or more accurately, a Saturday job in Debenhams). So the only fragments of the game still lodged in my highlights-only memory are Seaman's penalty save and, of course, Gazza's magnificent goal.

Therefore, if I had to produce one of those newspaper ratings out ten for every player on the pitch it would, until yesterday, have been Seaman 9, Gascoigne 9 and all the rest getting the regulation 7 for being on the winning side, but not doing anything that's still lodged in my memory some 12 years later.

Having watched the hour-long extended highlights from yesterday, however, I'd have to mark Gazza down to a generous five. He was truly terrible. Sloppy passes, dangling on the ball for far too long, at least three reckless tackles on the edge of the penalty area: the only decent thing he did in the entire game was score that incredible goal.

Until yesterday, Gazza was to my mind one of the stars of Euro 96.. Now, I suspect that one superb goal had played tricks on my memory. ESPN Classic I love you. And hate you a bit, too.

Sky's misleading maths

"Terrific - it can't be decided until the final day of the season," crows Richard Keys after Chelsea beat Man Utd 2-1.

Table as it stands:

Manchester Utd  P 36 GD +53 Pts 81

Chelsea              P 36 GD +37 Pts 81

So if Man Utd beat West Ham next week and Chelsea lose at Newcastle, The Blues simply have to win by at least 18 goals (assuming they both win/lose by only a single goal next week, or it'll be more) on the final day of the season, and hope United lose. At Wigan.

Pull the other one, monkey man. Even Sky can't sell that as a title decider.

Sky's Scouser sledging

You could write everything that Sky News presenter and all-round bint, Jacquie Beltrao, knows about football on the back of a season ticket. She can't even spell her own name, for Christ's sake.

But she surpassed her usual level of inane gobspittle this morning, with the following little pearl of wisdom about Liverpool's own-goal poacher, John Arne Riise:

(Note this conversation isn't an exact transcript, as I was too busy choking on my Weetabix at the sheer awfulness of what she said to fetch a biro)

"It's such a shame for Riise. Liverpool fans love him because he's a 'proper foreigner' who's been here for years, not one of those Johnny-come-lately foreigners."

How someone who's played in England for years qualifies for the title "proper foreigner", only Jacquie and Enoch Powell will ever know. Even Eamon Holmes looked fucking flabbergasted.

The best Wright off since Richard Hammond

In perhaps the most amusing international retirement since Andy Cole told Sven where to stick it after being omitted for 17 consecutive squads, Ian Wright's decided he no longer wants to do England games on the BBC.

"I feel like I'm just there as a comedy jester to break the ice with Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen who just do run-of-the-mill things."

Comedy jester? I've seen funnier tumours. The only thing louder than your ridiculous suits was, annoyingly, you; although your double-breasted Versace whistle could probably analyse the game more intelligently.

Fuck off you loudmouthed tosser. You'll be missed as much as McClaren's umbrella.